A Thank You and Goodbye to My Twenties
“I do not count myself to have attained, but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are aheaD.” — philippians 3:13 —
Yesterday was my final day being in my twenties and I can hardly believe it. I feel like I’ve said goodbye to a dear friend and companion I’ll never see in person again, but who’s left a life changing impact on me, and it’s a very bittersweet feeling.
I remember turning 20 like it was last month — and also the feelings of apprehension I had to bring to God.
In my mind The Twenties were like this dark, long corridor filled with mystery doors leading into the even scarier corridor called THE THIRTIES. What was I heading into?
Worry began to set in about all the unknowns, But what comforted me was knowing that as long as God was with me, I didn’t need to be living in dread. He would also be waiting behind each mystery door, supplying for each need as it came. Just one day at a time with Jesus. That’s all He was asking of me. I had to believe He could keep and sustain me.
So I ended my teens and entered into my young adults years with an attitude of hope and surrender — and with a convicted declaration to Him:
“Even if nothing turns out the way I imagine or hope it will, I don’t care. I will still love You for You, Lord.”
And I meant it when I wrote it — yet deep down I was still hoping I’d be blessed with the kind of life I was picturing for myself before I reached The Big 3-O: marriage, children, involvement in ministry, looking and feeling fulfilled — just living a normal, God-glorifying life with something to show for it, something that would say I “made” it, too!
My worst case scenario at that time was still being single and childless in my thirties while others around me far surpassed me and had the things I longed for most. I was afraid of my own response to possible disappointment and heartbreak in this particular area. I knew I wouldn’t be able to bear it well without God’s supernatural grace. But God wasn’t giving me grace for ten years down the line — He was giving it for that day. And then the next, and the next.
So, I didn’t let myself think too much about future maybes. After all, a lot could happen in 10 years - I was only 20 for goodness’ sake! Just one step in front of the other, eyes on Jesus, was what I brought with me for that first stretch of the journey.
Well, that leads me to today. I’m opening door number thirty now — or as I now see it — I’m crossing the finish line for this particular race. And by His grace I’m still going, with even stronger conviction than before, that I will keep loving Him for Himself, no strings attached. I’m living the kind of reality that was once my worst fear, but isn’t anymore. And you know what I’m feeling now? Gratefulness. And relief.
I am so grateful and relieved that He is God and I am not. That He has shown He can keep me from the weights that would and could crush me in this race.
In His wisdom God went on to lovingly prove my words by proving and testing my heart in very tailored, personal, sometimes excruciating ways. I can’t say I always passed or responded perfectly, of course I didn’t. I can’t say I have no regrets, of course I do. But He remained faithful and true. He led me with the greatest patience, mercy, and gentleness like the Good Shepherd He is.
I don’t know why He’s chosen to do some things the way He has, but He’s helping me come to peace with it, to trust Him with the timetable of my life. And when I start to pick those questions back up and begin to worry, He always helps me lay it back down down, in His care. I’m learning to trust and to thank Him for every yes, delay, and no, believing He knows best, allowing myself to be at rest under mystery. And I haven’t given up hoping and praying over these dear dreams, either. I have faith God can do absolutely anything He wants and that absolutely nothing is too difficult for Him. And that includes helping me with the portion He’s assigned to me, today, whatever the assignment is.
While these good desires for marriage and motherhood don’t hold the majority of my focus anymore or encompass my whole scope and life in God like they once did, God used them to draw me closer to Himself. To know Him and His heart better. To show me what I really need. To help me learn better discernment. To treasure my singleness for the gift it is and not discard it so easily out of any weariness, desperation, or unbelief in God’s ability to help me steward it faithfully and well. I wouldn’t call that a waste, but a great opportunity to pour my love and my life on Jesus.
I’m so incredibly grateful for this past decade; for all God did and how He faithfully brought me closer to Himself through it all. For how He’s used all things to work together for good and help me appreciate what I have been given. And ultimately, to treasure Him and His eternal purpose for me more than anything else I could seek to gain in this fleeting, temporary life.
Over this decade He’s become the One I love and want most, and I wouldn’t trade any of it if I could.
One of the things my twenties has taught me is the keeping, sustaining power of Christ. That through Him and His strength, I can do things and respond in ways that once seemed impossible; that are impossible for me to do, in and by myself. And staying close to Jesus, dependent only on Him, is the only answer. It’s all because of the keeping power of Jesus.
God is continuing to prove to me that His lovingkindness is truly better than life itself; that He is my Keeper and has everything I need to face life and faithfully follow Him no matter what it can bring.
And this is the assurance I’m taking with me as I slowly close the door on my twenties with a tearful smile and step into a new adventure called The 30’s with Him.
But first, I think I’ll let myself collapse in His arms for a while, receiving the replenishment that’s always mine in Christ. It’s been quite the journey, but I have a feeling even better things are still to come.